doubts about letting it go & future plans

hmmm its been a week again,
by right i should be happy about this, it because
i should be having the chance to chat with her again :)
supposingly its the week to go out with her on a date

but

its just such a nice timing, where my friend's birthday party
clashes with the day of the date.
well not exactly clash, but im more like
BROKE...
how am i suppose to go out with her in a state of
BROKE ?!!??

i felt its just embarrassing.
i mean how can you go out on a date where you dont have confident in your wallet ?
its suppose to be a guy treat girl thing.
unless she really dont mind.
plus recently, i've been thinking hard towards myself,
am i the right guy for her ?
people always tend to ask for what they should deserve,
but do they really deserve to get what they deserve?
think about it,

i might just be another wacky fellow that always being happy around people,
making lame jokes and being different
attract attention and shits.
but deep down inside me.
i doubt myself am i a weak person who tries to act strong and all ?
trying to proof myself
trying to be somebody
to be that somebody who gains everyone respect??

sighhh as always ...
i always wonder what she thinks,
its not that i want to turn you down for the date.
but yeah i felt something...
i dont really know you like me or not ?
as one of my friend adviced me,
just go and all ''straight to the point, tell her what you think about her''
im reckless yet being afraid,
i guess that's what kept me going missing you, like you, and try to love you and all
most important thing is,

i DO care about youu god dammit!!

so.... thought of a future plans?
im aint a person who plan, but im gonna talk about it.
in the year 2012,
my family and i have to shift,
left to no choice, but to move on
since my aunt and dad dont want to owe anything to each other
seems like my aunt is feeling really stress.
as for my dad,
he is trying to find a way to solve this big problem
that has been being around us for quite sometime.
being the eldest son is not easy.
but well im gonna try it no matter how !!
right now,
i have to set my goals and my determination must be a 200% positive !

a friend of mine told me about trying to be a part time photographer
since i have a 550d
yet for photography,
im still finding my kinda of pictures that i wanna take.
photography opens up a person's mind and eyes towards the world.
but yeah as for my
DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY class,
i feel shit up this morning for not having enough sleep,
2 times i've been absent in total.
plus, im a little bit worry since
like what my other classmates said that
the submission of all the pictures will due to today,
still...
the shitty part is, i hav'nt take any pictures recently. its just so
arghhh... i hate myself!

welll solutionss, i need solutionss
i guess i just have no choice but to do it anyway.
i'll just have to tell the lecturer about how things have been happening around me

happy yet unsure

After a week or two, i met her again in the online chat.
As usual i made the first move by saying ''hey''.
well for this week, i tried to push everything a little more than before.
i even tried to ask her out for an unofficial date.
''a meal or two'' thats the thing i mentioned.
kinda realized a lill stupid to say that. haha but i dont care.
It seems that she did'nt reject me straight away.
Instead, she asked ''when??''

Lots of stuff came into my mind lately.
Like : '' am i doing the right thing ?'' & '' am i ready for it ?''
i get really confusing at times, dont know what is the right thing to say about
or even what is the right thing to express through speaking.
as some said, communication problem?
I know myself pretty well, as not the kind who talks smart but
more to the kind of person to do it.

At the same time,
im afraid deep within me, and afraid that someone to reach out
and lend a hand to pull me out from this deep hole.
im sinking yet not noticing.
everytime you did'nt give a specific answer, which makes me
think lots of stuff.
many said, just let it be and go with the flow.
Before i go with the flow?
i wanna know where i stand ? deep down in your heart or
even in your life?
By expectation,
your family comes first, therefore career and then your friends :)
i aint sure you want to be in a relationship,
but that does'nt mean i cant wait.
i just need a specific answer so i know who i am to you.
just want to say im not desperate or anything, just
to be sure about things in my life,
and also getting to know you better.

i hope i really can do it.
After two weeks from now, i most probably will be taking you out for a meal or two?
or it may not happen at all ?
if it really happens,
i really wish that everything goes well.
it depends on how we progress weekly.
Been missing you day by day.
wondering how are you doing, i know you're busy
therefore i did'nt want to text you.
But if you need a someone to talk to ?
i wont mind to be the one to do it :)

lastly, i wish you good luck and all the best in your exams

its been a year and a half

i hav'nt been updating this blog for a while, ever since... hmmm i dont know..
Many things have changed.
Well i dont know if there will be anyone still keep track of my blog and all
but..
That does'nt really matters.
These days, i've been feeling extremely down due to
the stuffs been happening to me.
Firstly .. is ..
i hav'nt been going after a girl that i like for like.. years ??
till that day, when i was waiting for a friend to pick me up.
i was really surprised when i open the door. realizing that
i never thought of seeing her again.
its the same feeling that had towards her back in the days when im in form 1.
Day by day and week by week, we've talk and chat on msn and we texted.
I felt the feeling of talking to her makes my day brighter and brighter,
i never felt this happy before...
so.. i decided to make a move forward a lill just to see if things improve that the way it was..
i wonder its either am i thinking too much or its just the fact
that she just treat me like a normal friend ?
this question haunts me every single night before i close my eyes and get to sleep
i know it sounds like im not understanding and all but yeah
you're having your exams and all, waiting its not a problem to me
some said im loyal some said im stupid,
but hey..
if its worth it, go for it ! tat's what they say..
its painful yet, i dont know? hmm maybe its just falling in love with you
its just a price to pay ?

Recently, i've been trying to change myself so much.
i've set target and goals for my 2 years plan.
i decided to get a better life and earn to get my first car.
Just so you know that i dont like to be too dependant to my family,
therefore i went to look for a part time job.
My friend's uncle happen to open an ice cream shop near the mall.
and my friend is working, having an incredible pay.
i thought of like, if i asked, maybe i'll get the same rate as him.
so, i went through the interview and all
and i did not know the his pay is actually i confidential thing.
some said its not harm to ask, and i dont like to point out names
Then yesterday night, i was being called and i'm ''officially'' employed
just being clear about my pay, i asked
It did'nt turn out to be what i've expected.
The employer tend to conclude my friend tend to tell me about his pay,
where as the actually the its his nephew who told me about it.

It almost started a fight/arguement.
That really hits me in the head, since last year or two,
i was facing the same thing with my best friend back then.
i was being a bitch about money than seeing what's more
valuable than a friendship.
but yeah long story cut short.
i talked to him about it.
and it went cool and all..
i aint wanna lose another friend in my life, its just too pain to handle.

When i got back home, i felt sad yet proud and happy about the things that i've done.
thought about it, maybe i've grown through shits happening around me.
some said experience ?
some said obstacles ?
some said bad luck ?
well i said


its life, learn to deal with it,
but not to complain about it .