the last day of Feb

This whole month is filled with ups and downs..
She has been a girl that i use to emo about..
hmmm although now i dont really feel much about it,
unless i think about it ?

if possible, i will not want to care, if i have a choice.
i guess normal friends will do...
days and days goes by..
i've been distracting myself from thinking about that situation.
During when having tea with you and your best friend,
there are hidden conversations occur,
i'll just dont bother to ask, but to look away
just to comfort myself from knowing things too much.
hurt is just a feeling.
but it affects the person alot, especially me.

college has been a hell to me.
since its 3 subjects this semester...
modeling for maya have been a fucking hellllll of a mess.
autodesk maya always been a bitch to me.
more than 200 buttons to press?
knowing it will branch out for more buttons?
without knowing the functions ?
oh come on!! just kill me ?
datelinesm, phonecalls for warning!
please !!!

my computer been dying on me, i cant do it !!
but i'll hand in ! at the end of the day !
i'll promise !
it might not be a masterpiece ! but i aint want to fail !!
FOCUS SAM !! FOCUS !! LIFE LIFE WILL BE MUCH BETTER AHEAD FOR YOUU !!

Feb 2nd

Chinese New Year is around the corner.
as time goes by, i felt Cny is just a time where family gather around,
like thanks giving.

for the past few weeks, i've been going out with her and my bestfriend
for quite sometime. i've been trying to forget and pushing that feeling aside
as i'm talking with her.
pretty hard, but yet i aint want to loose her.
really its painful deep inside, but god knows i hope this feeling just die.
i even lend Rachel to her, my bike, my love.

emo emo emo.
when can i ever stand back up and realize what i've done towards myself.
just in the end of the day, i will just feel that the sam of my past,
acts like an idiot.
i've been sleeping for the past 12 hours.

Although its been a nice sleeping moment,
but i still feel tired deep down inside me.
i dreamt about her, being with another guy,
happily.. holding hands, having lunch and all.
all i have left is... well nothing ?
i cant say i cannot live without her,
but the feeling of this can be really annoying.

i felt less hurt right now, cause she's not around.
the past two to three days before,
i sent her a text, wishing her good luck for her driving test for license.
she was really nervous,
then i was actually filming for my friend's production.
i really wanna text her more,
but i felt that im no one but just a guy to replace her boredom.
sad isn't it ? but owhh well..
i did'nt let that happen,
as usual, im just a mirror to certain people whom i dont think they deserve it.
a great friend told me that she's not worth it,
she wants me to move on.

she claims that i dont deserve to treat her so good.
well she's realistic, so i guess that's a fact.
no one will ever go for a guy like me,
its not that im not trying, its just that situation just did'nt turn out so well.
i dont know how many tears have i shed
been sleeping with a wet pillow.

may 2011 be a good year for me,
i really hope i can do it
for the best of myself

happy cny

trying to look at the positive side

its been a week already, not talking to you.
when ever im with my bestfriend, he always talks about his sis.
i pretend to listen, pretend to know, pretend to act like nothing.
All this pretending, acting, lying towards myself.
I just realized i cannot go on like this denying about the truth.
Some came to comfort me,
i really do appreciate.

Some told me to forget about her, and look what's more to come.
But one told me to talk/chat to/with her,
''since she's the reason that you emo, she's the person to comfort you''

well i did the first move to start a conversation in skype chat.
all i do was asking how is her tongue piercing.
a very non interested conversation.
and this time,
i went offline without her knowing.
haha
childish, but yeah, that's what you always do to me.
i just did that 1 time out of the 10's

i couldn't chat much with her,
the poison is reacting with poison?
how sour can it be ?
it just tingles just like pouring salt water on your wound.
i told my bestfriend not to mentioned her name infront of me.
cause it hurts, so much.

even that lil bit.

everytime i see her online on my list,
i always over-reacted, that's normally when im alone.
so restless, feeling really tired.
i checked my twitter,
all i see is her tweet but none of others that attract
my attention to click on theirs.

the worst thing is,
everytime i click on her link,
i always see things that made me feel so darn fucking hurtt
like :" ahhhhh !!! fucking hurt arr !!!!!"
at times i just want to sleep away till this problem goes away.
but it seems that i just cant,
somehow it did'nt affect me when im out to college,
not much.
maybe just a lill, but you still see me smiling.

i used my whole day cleaning my beloved bike,
just a matter of trying to think something else than emo-ing about her.
i need a distraction,
i need to work,
i need a life !

one step forward, and you cant turn back

its been 5 days counting back from the day

the day that i receive so much pain from an indirect rejection from you.
I met up with my best friend,
he told me that he told me about the truth,
basically, she doesn't want me to know about the truth,
i guess maybe she still wants me to treat her as a friend,
wants me to talk to her still,
but now,
i guess the awkward moment really starts to kick in.
depress and disapointed are all im feeling.

As usual, i went cycling today with brian.
made a few jumps, with my bike, which named after her.
that was the moment where i dont really
give a damn about things that happen around me in reality.
Honestly, i was really really hoping that we at least dont feel
uneasy and all, but things had made me feel extra shit up.
i really really want to talk to you.

but the topics that we have are really limited already.
my inner concious tells me not to care or deal with you anymore.
its not really taking my life away, but at the same time its torturing.
i need to make a decision !
i cant say i love her, but i like her.
its a crush, that's all
that's what other people will always say,
stop being a pussy and shit.

well spell h.u.r.t
that's all i am feeling for this week,
please let this feeling go away as i crash or fall.
right now, i really hope i have a really good bike
to head to off road and do all the jumps and tricks.
UMF is all i am thinking right now

Run away as Fast as you can

one learns to rise
as the other learns to fall and receive one's fault.
what am i trying to imply here.
i guess its called balance of nature.
a wise man told me that
he only believes in only ONE god.
and what comes around goes around.
in other words, its called KARMA.

i do believe that, a person has to repay his debts and sins.
tonight i dont really have much things to say.
But my feelings towards the things that she wanna say to me is...
i aint want to care much about it or to bother.
all i can say is, i've tried not to bring up that awkward scenario,
but aint putting the blame on her,
she tends to do it so...
i cant do anything.
she blocked me from twitter,
that makes me feeling emo for the whole damn day.
and now you unblock me ?
so what does this mean?

i try to see thing positive and all,
things has been getting really tired and heavy for me.
i cant do my modelling assignments due to my technicle problem in the software,
chasing dateline has been my first thing to do,
when i enter college.
i keep tonight's post short,
im heading to bed,
cycling does makes me get her off my mind.
i'll be riding more often with brian chai my riding partner :)

monday blues

Its monday, and its the beginning of the 3rd week of the semester.

Some how its weird that monday class for visual story telling 2,
starts on the 6 evening till late evening 9.
Suffered from a bad sleep, and i woke up
from the wrong side of the bed.
i feel sad but not as sad as yesterday.
in a way im healing, but the whole day i kept quiet.
did'nt really social much.

today's class speaks about light and shadow.
its more to how to cast the light,
which point to which point,
where what sort of light suits the environment.
the whole time i was like sitting down there and doing nothing.
did'nt really pay attention towards the lecture.
well its a combined class with dg 905-1 and dg 905-2.
just when class ended, i cycled back home.
when i reached taman megah area after a major slope after the taman bahagia station,
my current track was playing deadmau5 album.
so i kinda got myself into the mood in cycling and sprinting with it.
i saw some merida fellers just about to leave their workplace.
usually they always sit there and talk about stuffs,
well a boss and worker session.
i recognise Herbert from far.
actually i just want to cycle home since im so near already.
But since im so in the mood in chasing someone with my matts 40d
i decided to chase Herbert from taman bahagia all the way under the bridge of
LDP, which is near the old mobill.
haha i bet he is surprised to see me chasing up to him hahahaa
then we cycled all the way till his house.
He was like, where did you cycled from ??
hahahaa

i told him i cycle to college everyday, which is from megah to pyramid there.
deep down in my heart, i really push the bike to the maximum.
well his bike is a full sus bike,
looks like an old merida,
but it still looks great fucking awesome.
i really hope cycling makes me put her off my mind.
i really miss her really much,
in many ways :)
just this noon, i realized that she unfollowed me in twitter.
sad isn't it ?
she's mean,
well what can i do ?
by right nothing.

a good friend of mine told me that,
if i really like her, no matter when or how,
i will wait for her, even if its the end of the world.

all i wanted was you

as clearly stated, all i wanted was you

i really miss the vacation that we all had,
the moment of being there with you,
the time where everyone was really happy.

Today, i felt really sad, was really hoping that i can be a little bit
happier than yesterday.
But it seems that im the only person among all of them,
not knowing the truth about her.
Friends around me had been trying to hide the secret about it,
and not letting me to know.
i just realized that i just rammed into a thick hard wall.

Therefore, as an action, always have a reaction.
Today, she went to pierce her tongue with my best friend in KL.
i really hope she does'nt get her tongue done.
honestly i dont find it cute or attractive either.
ITS UGLY ! what the fuck is that in your tongue ?
Throughout her outing, based on my understanding of my bestfriend,
he must have told her that i was being emotionally unstable,
since i cycled around the park like a mad man from 3am till 7am

I always been feeling that cycling is something that i can unleash
my anger and madness, by just making myself feeling tired and worked up.
i was'nt really satisfy about things going on.
i do really hope that guy she like, was actually me..
When i clicked on her twitter,
her recent tweet was '' Damn.. you're maturity level is so low.''
its pretty sensitive that,
that comment really hurts me more than i ever expect.
i did'nt want to ask and did'nt want to know about it either.

as i was waiting for my friends to take me out for dinner.
i went emo again after i read that post.
through out the night outing with my friends,
i was miserable and disapointed about myself that shit happens from her.
i felt sad that, she have to avoid me just to make her feel things are better
as the same way for me.

i really hope and pray that, these are the acts of the cycle called
KARMA
what goes around comes around.
for all the evil deeds i've done,
well i should make myself to pay them back,
as long as i dont fuck it up again.
i'll rather to pay it now,
than paying it back later; to suffer now than suffer later.

hmm look at the bright side.
at least i still have brothers around me that supports me.
but i would like to grow up more,
celebrate the holidays with the one that i love and treasure the most.
someone special.

haihh i should be keeping all these feelings towards her in a bottle and,
just have to accept the fact that
if the person is meant to be with you, then so be it,
like wise, if she's not yours, then she's never gonna be with you
cant force a person to love you,
its never sincere when it comes to force.
all i can do is,
do best in my part,
let fate decide,
just make the right decision.


talks to oneself : " SAM ! DONT EMO ANYMORE ! "