a chance for me to be strong

firstly, i would like to blog this to express my disapointment against myself.

Well it just happened during a skype call from a best friend of mine.
Saying that his ''sister'' told something about me and her.
I just received a rejection from him...
He mentioned that,

I'm not her type at first,
She's already have someone deep down in her heart,

hmm i guess these two lines actually made me feel
so.....
HURT ARR !!!

but yeah, i always try to look at he brightside.
She says that she likes me being her friend :)
the least i can do,

is

to see her smile and make her feel happy
in the future, i hope that they can be a happy couple,
of course,
when times when she feels down,
i will be the person to be there right by her side,
maybe i can ignore my friend !! arghh pffftt..
i will always be waiting
waiting for you
its because...

i think i've fallen in love with you

unconciously.

I can promise that i wont be shedding a tear,
but my heart still remain a place for you
just to let you know,
i never feel such a warm head, lying on my lap
As the journey never ends,
i will make sure that you'll had the best sleep on my lap ever..


As it hurts so much,
but i wanna do is,
to accept rejection and be a strong person
well as strong as i can ever be.


stay STRONG SAM!!! you can DO IT !!

FINALLY, and these things have been crossing over my mind

sorry for not blogging for a really.. really long time..

i apologise for not posting anything..
so here it is..

I realize that i hav'nt been talking to her for a really long time.
She began to give me false hopes and made me really think alot,
Its ridiculous for me to wait for a reply...
well all sorts of reply, i texted her she said her phone's dead
i messeged her online and she's always away.
what else can i do to get closer to you ?

Friends around me that has been giving advice about this situation
Actually i aint wanna think of giving up my feelings towards her, but
but things really are not going well at all.
If she does'nt like me, well please tell me... or even
text me as a friend ? i dont really mind
(well that is when i say it, but deep down i really feel HURT)

As time passes by, i went to a road trip with my friends.
It was a couple trip, where as all my friends brought their partner.
I joined because im incharge to take pictures of them.
I'm the loner as usual, that when i always think about myself being that.
That morning, where all of us meet up at the DIM SUM place for breakfast,
My friend brought his ''Sister'' along.
I admit she's pretty and im shy :)
We knew each other but not really close, i thought of you know maybe
by giving myself a chance to know a friend ?
She has big eyes,
really nice pink lips,
brown long hair,
overall proportioned,
love the waist line,
fair skin,
but that's not all, most important ! her beautiful smile :D
My friend actually told me to take care of her, ''she's with you for the day''
hmm i felt that i responsible to really take care of her through out the trip.

Yeah the trip was really fun, well fun for them ofcourse
through out the trip, she and i sat together behind the backseat
where as my best friend sat infront and his future girlfriend
was driving us the whole time.
well, while we're on the road, she's sleeping the whole time,
lying down, where her head is facing towards me.

At first she was sleeping on my friend's back as a pillow,
Then i offer her if she wants to sleep closer to myside,
since i dont really take up much of a space,
then she was like sleeping on my lap already.
The road back home, was really bumpy,
i can feel her warmth on my tigh,
well i never felt this way before,
none of my ex's ever did that to me.
i was really concern and yet afraid, what if she doesn't feel comfortable ?
The pajero ride was really bumpy.
I gently held her head and shoulder so she felt less shakey.
Honestly, im really feeling uneasy at first,
but after a while, i felt really really comfortable too.
i dont know why ?

After that fantastic road trip,
everyone wants it more, its because
its really fun,
no one fuck it up?
its really a mature outing :)
although it may sound like im like a playboy ?
but i think i started to like my friend's ''sister''

as days goes by....
i did started chatting with my friend's ''sister''
i really tried to avoid the moment of awkwardness
we msn-ed we skype we text ~
yesterday !! my friend actually made her skyped with me
yeah~ i'm really happy and all
but i dont know about what she feels about me,
arghh i felt so stupid
she asked me is it true that i wanted to court her?
thanks alot best friend !!
i swear lucky my webcam is spoilt
what if she sees my stupid face?
omg telling her that '' actually i kinda like you !''
i actually hesitated to say it,
i was afraid! i had no balls
but in the end, i just said it !
did'nt know my best friend was just beside her.
and yes the whole webcam thing its like a request from my best friend
for her to call me.

right after that, we went for dinner :)
darn luck thing, i rushed there near her housing area.
so lucky till i booked a table before they arrive.
i was waiting for them at a corner,
till they arrive :)
she sat beside me where as my friend sat at the other side,
starring at me,
like a tease.

pressure is all i feel :(
she commented on the way that i wear
they seem to feel that they under-dressed?
we laugh we talked we ate dinner
honestly i really suck when it comes to paying bills,
all i have is rm80 and my friend does not have enough money.
so i paid for him instead..
shocking shit! im suppose to pay for her!! god dammit !!
the bill came, and i cant even diff and seperate who's gonna pay who's?
Then she told me to hand it right over,
i SUCK SO MUCHHH wtfff
then my friend gave me the STARE again !
so fucking screwed.

i wish i was a lilll smarter !! and wiser
im so fucking stupid wtff man..
it was drizzling out there in the night.
we had like a drink at the nearest mamak store, and then we walk her home.

my friend went ahead, left her and i at the back walking.
i walked side to side along with her.
i felt that she's shy and all,
i dont know what the fuck that im doing,
i use my palms to cover her head, so that she does'nt get wet under the rain.
fucking lame right ?

there she goes, she reached her apartment.
Then both of us took a cab home.
I felt that having dinner with them its really nice,
especially with her :)
i dont really mind if she's eating alot,
but at the same time, eating in a proper way :)
she's cute when she's eating
although she tends to complain that she's fat and alll
but who cares ! i like her, the way she is
i really hope, both of us can work things out
perhaps maybe one day, we can be a really happy couple ?
i really wanna know what she thinks about me ?
this feeling never goes off

doubts about letting it go & future plans

hmmm its been a week again,
by right i should be happy about this, it because
i should be having the chance to chat with her again :)
supposingly its the week to go out with her on a date

but

its just such a nice timing, where my friend's birthday party
clashes with the day of the date.
well not exactly clash, but im more like
BROKE...
how am i suppose to go out with her in a state of
BROKE ?!!??

i felt its just embarrassing.
i mean how can you go out on a date where you dont have confident in your wallet ?
its suppose to be a guy treat girl thing.
unless she really dont mind.
plus recently, i've been thinking hard towards myself,
am i the right guy for her ?
people always tend to ask for what they should deserve,
but do they really deserve to get what they deserve?
think about it,

i might just be another wacky fellow that always being happy around people,
making lame jokes and being different
attract attention and shits.
but deep down inside me.
i doubt myself am i a weak person who tries to act strong and all ?
trying to proof myself
trying to be somebody
to be that somebody who gains everyone respect??

sighhh as always ...
i always wonder what she thinks,
its not that i want to turn you down for the date.
but yeah i felt something...
i dont really know you like me or not ?
as one of my friend adviced me,
just go and all ''straight to the point, tell her what you think about her''
im reckless yet being afraid,
i guess that's what kept me going missing you, like you, and try to love you and all
most important thing is,

i DO care about youu god dammit!!

so.... thought of a future plans?
im aint a person who plan, but im gonna talk about it.
in the year 2012,
my family and i have to shift,
left to no choice, but to move on
since my aunt and dad dont want to owe anything to each other
seems like my aunt is feeling really stress.
as for my dad,
he is trying to find a way to solve this big problem
that has been being around us for quite sometime.
being the eldest son is not easy.
but well im gonna try it no matter how !!
right now,
i have to set my goals and my determination must be a 200% positive !

a friend of mine told me about trying to be a part time photographer
since i have a 550d
yet for photography,
im still finding my kinda of pictures that i wanna take.
photography opens up a person's mind and eyes towards the world.
but yeah as for my
DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY class,
i feel shit up this morning for not having enough sleep,
2 times i've been absent in total.
plus, im a little bit worry since
like what my other classmates said that
the submission of all the pictures will due to today,
still...
the shitty part is, i hav'nt take any pictures recently. its just so
arghhh... i hate myself!

welll solutionss, i need solutionss
i guess i just have no choice but to do it anyway.
i'll just have to tell the lecturer about how things have been happening around me

happy yet unsure

After a week or two, i met her again in the online chat.
As usual i made the first move by saying ''hey''.
well for this week, i tried to push everything a little more than before.
i even tried to ask her out for an unofficial date.
''a meal or two'' thats the thing i mentioned.
kinda realized a lill stupid to say that. haha but i dont care.
It seems that she did'nt reject me straight away.
Instead, she asked ''when??''

Lots of stuff came into my mind lately.
Like : '' am i doing the right thing ?'' & '' am i ready for it ?''
i get really confusing at times, dont know what is the right thing to say about
or even what is the right thing to express through speaking.
as some said, communication problem?
I know myself pretty well, as not the kind who talks smart but
more to the kind of person to do it.

At the same time,
im afraid deep within me, and afraid that someone to reach out
and lend a hand to pull me out from this deep hole.
im sinking yet not noticing.
everytime you did'nt give a specific answer, which makes me
think lots of stuff.
many said, just let it be and go with the flow.
Before i go with the flow?
i wanna know where i stand ? deep down in your heart or
even in your life?
By expectation,
your family comes first, therefore career and then your friends :)
i aint sure you want to be in a relationship,
but that does'nt mean i cant wait.
i just need a specific answer so i know who i am to you.
just want to say im not desperate or anything, just
to be sure about things in my life,
and also getting to know you better.

i hope i really can do it.
After two weeks from now, i most probably will be taking you out for a meal or two?
or it may not happen at all ?
if it really happens,
i really wish that everything goes well.
it depends on how we progress weekly.
Been missing you day by day.
wondering how are you doing, i know you're busy
therefore i did'nt want to text you.
But if you need a someone to talk to ?
i wont mind to be the one to do it :)

lastly, i wish you good luck and all the best in your exams

its been a year and a half

i hav'nt been updating this blog for a while, ever since... hmmm i dont know..
Many things have changed.
Well i dont know if there will be anyone still keep track of my blog and all
but..
That does'nt really matters.
These days, i've been feeling extremely down due to
the stuffs been happening to me.
Firstly .. is ..
i hav'nt been going after a girl that i like for like.. years ??
till that day, when i was waiting for a friend to pick me up.
i was really surprised when i open the door. realizing that
i never thought of seeing her again.
its the same feeling that had towards her back in the days when im in form 1.
Day by day and week by week, we've talk and chat on msn and we texted.
I felt the feeling of talking to her makes my day brighter and brighter,
i never felt this happy before...
so.. i decided to make a move forward a lill just to see if things improve that the way it was..
i wonder its either am i thinking too much or its just the fact
that she just treat me like a normal friend ?
this question haunts me every single night before i close my eyes and get to sleep
i know it sounds like im not understanding and all but yeah
you're having your exams and all, waiting its not a problem to me
some said im loyal some said im stupid,
but hey..
if its worth it, go for it ! tat's what they say..
its painful yet, i dont know? hmm maybe its just falling in love with you
its just a price to pay ?

Recently, i've been trying to change myself so much.
i've set target and goals for my 2 years plan.
i decided to get a better life and earn to get my first car.
Just so you know that i dont like to be too dependant to my family,
therefore i went to look for a part time job.
My friend's uncle happen to open an ice cream shop near the mall.
and my friend is working, having an incredible pay.
i thought of like, if i asked, maybe i'll get the same rate as him.
so, i went through the interview and all
and i did not know the his pay is actually i confidential thing.
some said its not harm to ask, and i dont like to point out names
Then yesterday night, i was being called and i'm ''officially'' employed
just being clear about my pay, i asked
It did'nt turn out to be what i've expected.
The employer tend to conclude my friend tend to tell me about his pay,
where as the actually the its his nephew who told me about it.

It almost started a fight/arguement.
That really hits me in the head, since last year or two,
i was facing the same thing with my best friend back then.
i was being a bitch about money than seeing what's more
valuable than a friendship.
but yeah long story cut short.
i talked to him about it.
and it went cool and all..
i aint wanna lose another friend in my life, its just too pain to handle.

When i got back home, i felt sad yet proud and happy about the things that i've done.
thought about it, maybe i've grown through shits happening around me.
some said experience ?
some said obstacles ?
some said bad luck ?
well i said


its life, learn to deal with it,
but not to complain about it .

major fucked up night

a hate that is grown in me since the day that i know what is the word ''fuck'' . My dad start to educate me discipline when i was little , but too bad i don't know what is that at all . Therefore he use harsh way so that i can change ?? but guess what ?? i was only 11 that time . since that years he have been threating like a peice of shit that is been came out frmo my mum's ****

when his company is having some kind of problems , i was being the one to be fucked upside -down . where is there a dad wake the son up at 3 am and tell him to work his ass off and wash his estima ?? *that time when he is still ok with financial*
i am still a kid larrhhh come on , i dont know anything . being spank at the face when i start laughing with cousins ?? what the fuck is this ?? no fcuking sense at all .

life is getting even worse during highschool life . infact that is where my hate grew the most among all those years . i've seen things negative way . i became rebellious ever since then . i start to go against every rule that is being made ... school for an instance , i became a devilin ... feels good

i felt that , that is the way to express myself ... i hate my dad alot
during the year of pmr which is 15 the age i am , he stressed my like hell and told me to do household FOR FUCKSS ARHH ?? i mean everyone is being like last minute doing stuff and revision before they even can leave the house ... and this fucker told me to do household , i was mad and i threw all the plates on the floor like a crazy person . then he smacked me at the ear , my left ear drum is broken , bleed and went off the hospital for medication .

fucking pain weii , seriously he is insane !!

spm year , which i always hear the most shit frmo him . SON U BETTER EITHER FAILL YOUR SPM AND BETTER FUCK OFF FRMO MY HOUSE AND START YOUR OWN LIFE K ??

wtf is this what a father should say ?? plus he shouted at me to fuck off from this house and going to tell my aunty to stay outside wtf weii he is not human .. i rather feel wtf am i in this world for ?? to kena fuck ??

then tonight no dinner , without telling me earlier .. and he start to complain that i am asking too much .. come on i am just asking some basic stuff like dinner ??
asking for dinner also got mistake arr? ? wtf man !!
so i was asking that .. and he got so mad and he yelled at me , i was also trying to find a chance to fight him back !! therefore i spoil the damnn cupboard , broke few glasses and plates , and the toolbox ! and i hand to hand combat him





haihh why my grandfather did'nt torture him ?? haihh someone help me arr


of couse i win the combat lar !!

yeahh~

life is just getting better and better , finally i've got my celcom 3g haha can online =) somehow they have this kind of limitation 5gig ?? my area sux cause dont have p1 w1max .. cause their package is like rm199 but u can use fro 20gig and 20 gig is like damnn a lot mannn ... some how here they dont have the reception for it =(

i skipped class today , cause i dont have the mood to draw today .. just dont know , usually i feel excited but recently haihh i just dont know what happen . yeahh yesterday i've got my ear pierced right at the bone there wahahah ouchh right ?? heehee .

college life is getting better and better , i've like social till everybody knows my name and stuff haha kinda cool haha and very unite too ... the group is kinda like very universal style , aint lala or some other shit .... in that group u can see nothing pure at all just normal and smart people and a joker like me haha and fuck the losers from smk dj , sucks to be with them haha

i just cant wait to get my illustrator cs4 haihh cause i really need it for my coursework and alot of practise too ^^

anyway today is a lil special day , kinda like can online !! heehee !! love it haha